The meanest Mommy on the block. Literally.  Coming off of a week of intense activity, late nights, leaving all of my household jobs to be done later, I was spent.  But the funny thing about being a mommy of four small children is, they could care less if you are “spent”.  They still need to be fed three times a day, they still fall and hurt themselves, they still get in little fights, they still have potty accidents, they still keep making mess after mess after mess.  The analogy I thought of while in the midst of this gosh-awful, chaotic week of being left with two weeks worth of work to catch up on WHILE continuing to do all the mommy stuff needed, was that of riding on a horse.  This horse is galloping full steam ahead, and you have to hold on to the reins for dear life and by all means, KEEP YOUR BALANCE…because if you fall off that horse, it will not stop. It just keeps galloping. Then you’ve gotta run after that on-the-run horse with all your might, catch up to it, manage to climb back on, and the KEEP YOUR BALANCE all while it continues to gallop. And if you are already tired, or sleep deprived. FORGET IT.

So, halfway through this week in the wake of having absolutely spent myself on many wonderful, ambitious endeavors “for the Kingdom” the week before, I was THE MEANEST MOMMY ON THE BLOCK.  I genuinely felt sorry for my children.  Not sorry enough to stop yelling at them, but sorry that they had gotten stuck with me as their mom.

In a collapsed heap on my bed, after having one of my OWN big-person temper tantrums, Danny graciously curled up next to me and spoke sanity into my distraught heart.  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Why would God give these children to me, when I’m so stinkin awful to them?  I just don’t have enough patience to deal with them lovingly!  And to think, I actually want to adopt more…just so I can be mean to them, also?!?

Danny:  Kimberly, you’re being sanctified in this process.  God is breaking you and teaching you through it all.

Me: Yeah, but while I’m here waiting to be sanctified, I’m ruining our children!  They are going to end up hating me, rebelling, and not caring about the God I claim to love but fail to show to them!

Danny:   God didn’t just give these kids to you. He gave you to them. They are sanctifying you, but also He is showing them the Gospel as they watch you be sanctified.  One of the things that spoke the Gospel to me the loudest, was watching my own mother be changed and softened by the Gospel.  God used even the-not-so-pretty parts to show me His power. Just keep confessing your failings, and telling them that you need Jesus.  You know, its not all about YOU, Kimberly.  Its about God’s covenantal promises. And when those stand despite your failings, who gets the glory?

And in our conversation I realized that the God that loves me and called me to Himself is THEIR God too.  And He did a mighty work in my own life to bring me to Himself, and part of that included my parents faithfulness AND their failings.  And if He’s big enough to do it in me, He’s big enough to do it in them.  So we’re back at square one again (how do I so consistenly veer from this??)-God is our Rock. He is our Hope.  When we start to add anything to His All-Sufficiency (even all those great parenting tips I read about), we are not trusting in Christ alone, but in Christ PLUS how great a parent I might endeavor to be. And what an insult to the Perfect Father, the Maker, Sustainer and Fulfiller of all.

I’m sorry Jesus, I hinder the little children from coming to you, when I bank on my efforts instead of your accomplishments. All I can do is ask that you would make my heartbeat  “Christ Alone”.

And would you make it their heartbeat too?